10 Big Signs You are in an On and Off Relationship

Being in a relationship requires commitment and passion. Whether it's been two weeks or two years of blissful monogamy, letting go of someone you love can be incredibly difficult, even when you know it's best for your well-being. But what's often more challenging is being caught in an on-again, off-again relationship, stuck in a cycle of love and conflict.

It's natural to be resistant and have a "fight rather than flight" response when deciding whether to give a relationship with a loved one another chance.

However, an on-and-off relationship is not just about fighting for love. At some point, you need to start fighting for yourself. Why keep returning like a boomerang when you can move forward like a straight-shooting arrow?

Perhaps you're currently in the "off" phase, contemplating giving things another try with your ex, or maybe you've noticed a toxic pattern in your relationship.

Either way, you're here to understand the dynamics of on-and-off relationships, why they can be harmful, and how to break the cycle for good—and that's exactly what we'll explore.

What Is an On-and-Off Relationship?

Before diving deeper, let's clarify what an on-and-off relationship is. In this type of relationship, two people repeatedly break up and get back together. They reconnect, then part ways, only to reconnect again… and so the cycle continues.

The length of time spent apart between breakups can vary from couple to couple—sometimes it's a week, other times it's months. Regardless, this pattern can take a toll on both individuals' mental health.

Sure, it feels exhilarating to reunite each time. Every reconciliation can feel like reliving the honeymoon phase—past conflicts are forgotten, and the time apart reignites passion and excitement.

But once the initial high fades, the same issues that led to the breakup start to resurface, reminding both parties why they parted ways in the first place.

# Inconsistent Communication

One day, you're laughing and planning dates, and the next, your texts go unanswered. This inconsistency in communication is a hallmark of an on-again, off-again relationship.

If you feel like you're constantly tiptoeing around potential communication pitfalls, it's a clear sign that your relationship lacks stability.

# Emotional Whiplash

In a healthy relationship, your emotions aren’t on a constant roller coaster. But in an on-and-off relationship, your feelings can swing from joy to despair faster than you can say "breakup."

Psychologically, this intense emotional fluctuation is tied to the pleasure-pain principle, where drastic mood swings make the relationship feel even more intense.

# Never Fully Broken Up

A major red flag is when you break up but never truly end things. It's as if you're caught in an endless loop of "It's over, but not quite."

If you find yourself drifting back together without ever fully cutting ties, this is a classic sign of a yo-yo relationship.

# Social Media Ping-Pong

If your relationship status changes more frequently than your Instagram filters, you're likely in an on-again, off-again relationship.

Friends might even start commenting or making bets on how long your "single" status will last this time.

# Friends and Family Are Confused

When your inner circle struggles to keep up with the status of your relationship, that’s another telling sign.

Psychology often uses the term social proof to describe how our relationships are perceived and supported by those around us. If your friends and family are as baffled as you are, it may be time to reassess.

# Commitment Phobia

One moment, you're discussing future plans; the next, you're avoiding any conversation that extends beyond the weekend. If the level of commitment keeps fluctuating, it’s a clear indicator of an on-and-off relationship.

# Lack of Conflict Resolution

Disagreements are normal, but if your solution is to break up rather than address issues, it’s a sign of an unstable relationship. In a healthy partnership, conflicts are resolved, not reset.

# Limited Intimacy

In an on-and-off relationship, the level of emotional and even physical intimacy can be inconsistent.

One day, you're sharing your deepest thoughts; the next, you feel like strangers. When a relationship constantly resets, it’s difficult to build the closeness essential for a lasting connection.

# Walking on Eggshells

Do you ever feel like one wrong word or action could cause the relationship to fall apart? This is a classic indicator of instability.

This anxiety stems from the lack of security and consistency, making you overly cautious about your behavior and words.

# Constantly Seeking External Validation

If you find yourself frequently asking friends and family what they think about your relationship, it may be because you’re seeking validation to justify staying in it.

This relates to the psychological concept of an external locus of control, where you rely on outside opinions to make decisions that should primarily come from within.